This Sexy Wolf Underwear Will Turn Your Junk Into An Animorph

- Nov 03, 2016 -

Novelty underwear is never a good bet, especially in a romantic situation. And we have proof: Over 200 womenclaimed critter-patterned, joke-y underthings as one of their top pet peeves. So if you're the guy who just added these wolf head boxer briefs to your Amazon cart, we're here to stop you from checking out. No potential partner is going to be turned on by you making your dick into the cover of an Animorph paperback.

Does the periscoping wolf's nose draw attention to your junk? Sure. But so would an arrow pointing to it, or a banana on the fly, or any number of infantile designs. It's the wrong kind of attention. Your underwear should project confidence. Not "Hey, isn't my penis hilarious?" or "My penis is actually the face of an endangered animal. Wanna straddle me?" This pair is heavy on the "My dick's going to bite you" vibes (so they might work if you're into some Little Red Riding Hood roleplaying). But in general, if you're doing it right, your sexy time partners should take your dick seriously. Being that guy who "wears the weird animal underwear" is a label that sticks for the long haul.

And in case you think we're saying no to just wolf underwear, we're on the record as being thumbs down about the following animals too:

Turtle: Because it says: "I'm not coming out to play."

Giraffe: Because it says: "I'm really long, and really skinny."

Shark: Because it says: "I have the sharpest teeth."

T-Rex: Because it says: "I'm extinct. And a monster."

Hippo: Because it says: "I'm good underwater but not on dry land."

Chipmunk: Because it says: "I'm cute but I can't slow down."

Big Mouth Bass: Because it says: "I'm hideous and won't shut up."

Kitten: Actually, leave kittens out of this narrative please.

There is however, one upside to this underwear though: anyone you show these to will probably ask you to take them off immediately.

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